Surprises Of The NFL In Week One

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Photo Altered By Katchop

 

So we did a lot of TV watching this weekend. Something called Football? It seems that the couch potato’s favorite pastime is back and we couldn’t be happier, or lazier.
 
But we wonder, what happened to…
 
Titans RB Chris Johnson? Gained four yards in his season debut. FOUR!
 
Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick? Four Ints to the Jets. FOUR!
 
Eagles QB Michael Vick with four interceptions. FOUR!
 
Four, four, four? Philly basketball great Moses Malone predicted this!
 
Vick redeemed himself because the Browns are…well, the Browns, but still…Andy Reid called him “Rusty”.
 
Former baseball player, Rusty Staub meanwhile, had no comment, but seemed offended, as did numerous dogs, also called by that name.
 
The Saints defense? Gave up 40 points, 464 yards and outgained 2 to 1 in possession time to jazzy-playin’ RG3 and the Redskins, who last season topped out at 28 points in their best game, and this was in New Orleans. Free Sean Payton!
 
The Browns with QB Brandon Weeden threw 4 INTs and only 118 passing measly yards? Tim Crouch, come back! RB Trent Richardson ran for 39 rushing yards on 19 carries. That’s two yards a carry. I think I could gain two yards a carry. Of course I’d be in the hospital after one carry, but I’d gain two yards.
 
The Steelers offensive line? They have been decimated by injuries. Now add Marcus Gilbert and Ramon Foster to the injured list. As it was, they gave up five sacks to the Broncos. What’s the NFL record for sacks in one game? Will we see it next week? Somebody sign up Wayne Hunter. Oh wait…
 
The Bills? Thanks goodness for CJ Spiller, or else their fans would have begged the team to move to Toronto.
 
Chiefs QB Matt Cassel? three turnovers- apple, cherry and ugh, pineapple!
 
Panthers RB DeAngelo Williams? Gained, no… LOST one yard.
 
Panthers QB Cam Newton? He threw two INTs and ran for FOUR yards. What is it with this number?
 
Unemployed WR Chad Johnson who got a tattoo of his soon to be ex-wife on his leg, and publicly said he wants his wife back, tweeting, “Divorce? Child please… that’s my WIFE”.
 
And last but certainly not least, the man we all love to talk about…
 
Tim Tebow being booed by Jet fans? five rushes for 11 yards? with a long of FOUR yards? (There’s something about that number four number this week and I have a feeling that Tebow is behind it… Either that or his dad.
 
Meanwhile, what got into…
 
Peyton Manning for his stellar comeback vs. the Steelers? He looked almost as good as his more successful brother Eli!
 
Randy Moss? He was treated by the Packers like Moss of old. They FEARED him. Moss said “Don’t touch the merchandise”, and the Pack defense obeyed their master. He is now second to Jerry Rice in all time catches, and breaking the tie between himself and Terrell Owens, half of the Batman and Robin team that are currently unemployed. (More on the other half later).
 
Moss’ team the 49ers whupped the Packers and their discount double-check QB. They double-sacked the “dancer”, while the 49er offense looked like they improved on their way to beating the Green cheese.
 
The Redskins? 40 points were more than their best 28 points from last season. Rookie Robert Griffin III looked even beet than I expected when I predicted he’s be this year’s Cam Newton. He threw for 320 yards and two TDs, and ran for another 42 yards. SPECTACULAR! We’re selling out of those RG3 Football T Shirts we have in stock, and one was bought by Shanahan! Marcy Shanahan from New Jersey, but still…
 
Vikings RB Adrian Peterson? The freaking guy tore two ligaments in his left knee nine months ago and had reconstructive knee surgery. What is he? Some kind of freak? He only ran for 84 yards and two touchdowns. You and I would have trouble getting out of the comfy chair.
 
And speaking of the Vikings, how about ice-water veined Vikings Kicker Blair Walsh? He kicked a 55-yard Field goal on the last play of regulation to tie the game AND hit a game winning 38-yard FG in overtime. He’s almost like another Gary Anderson.
 
The JETS!? One TD in preseason and now this? Even noted Jet basher Dave Rothenberg of ESPN radio was impressed. I detected a sense of relief from him on Monday. I actually thought he might be happy for a second there. (we know it’s out of love, Dave) 🙂 Check out his show and you’ll see what I mean.
 
Jets rookie WR #84 WR Stephen Hill? He flashed the other #84, Randy Moss-like, bomb catching skills launched from the new king of New York, Mark Sanchez!
 
49ers Kicker David Akers? Tying an NFL record with his 63-yard FG that boinked off the crossbar and over. My favorite boink of the week.
 
Child please, I’m talking about football here.
 
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