Replacement Friends For The Game Tonight

I’m all ready for the season opener tonight.
 
Unfortunately, my regular friends won’t be joining me tonight because they’re on strike. Asking for more beer and chips, the nerve!
 

Replacement Officials
ESPN Photo Altered by Katchop

So I got some replacement friends that I recruited from a lower division of friends, and they don’t quite understand the rules of football as well.
 
Yes they are green. So what? Are you PREJUDICED? They need to eat just like everyone else.
 
They’re hungry and just looking for an opportunity to impress. The only difficulty I am having is that they are a bit hazy on the rules of the NFL.
 
For instance, they don’t know that an offensive penalty on the last play of the game renders the game over. They think it’s a “do-over”. They sometimes think right is left and left is right, they can’t tell a five yard penalty from a fifteen-yarder, etc.
 
But there’s no way I am giving those greedy “regular” bastards more beer and chips. They have enough already. Geez, they watch football 16 days out of the year and 150,000 chips are not enough? SCREW ‘EM! I’ll take my chances with my new buds.
 
I know I am always talking about safety first, but so what if they spill beer all over and make a mess of my beautiful game? I can spin it to my benefit afterwards.
 
See, I’ve been giving them practice games (called “pre-season”) to learn from, and they’re getting there. The mistakes are a bit embarrassing but I have patience. These friends have been trained. I think they’ll do a very credible job.
 
GAME ON!

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