My Replacement Friends

touchception
Touchception By Doc Goodie,
TARNATION! Sports

 

I’ve just about had it with these guys.

I wrote about this back in week one. My regular friends demanded too much beer and chips, so I had to get replacement friends to watch the NFL games with.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked out.

Sometimes I can deal with it, because they’re nice guys trying their best, but sometimes they drive me nuts with the crazy things they do. As I discussed before, they don’t know the rules of the NFL well, so they are screaming at the TV in nonsensical ways. The guys learned about football by watching the lingerie league and such, so I have to sit through their blunders, and clean up the mess they make every week.

One guy threw his hat on the floor just as I was walking to the refrigerator and I slipped on it and bonked my head on the sofa.
 
Another guy had to take half an hour to study a menu before deciding what to order… from Vinny’s Pizza.
 
They’re calling for penalties when there’s no reason for it, and then when there are obvious penalties, I’m the only one screaming and they’re saying “What? I don’t see anything wrong. So he held him and then pulled him down by the collar. So what? Isn’t that football?” No, that’s not football. That’s a double penalty, guys. I try to explain it to them, but they seem intimidated and then I just feel bad. Sorry, I know you guys are doing your best, but it’s just hard for me to deal with. The regular guys knew that stuff inside and out. I could enjoy the game without this crazy-ness.
 
Last night came the last straw. They spilled fluorescent green ink all over my cheese. And they celebrated the “Peckers” loss, as they called it. Hey, I hate the Packers too, but I’m not gonna call them the “Peckers”. I mean, that’s just not what you do. What are you? Seven years old? Come on, man!
 
So now I’ve got to go to my regular friends, hat in hand, and negotiate a new beer and chips deal. They know they’ll have the upper hand here, because they told me this would happen. But I can’t let this continue. Even the neighbors are complaining now. What else can I do? What else can I do???
 
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